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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27414865">act like you've been here before (smile less and dress up some more)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shesthesmoke/pseuds/shesthesmoke'>shesthesmoke</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>there are no secrets i can't keep [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Julie and The Phantoms (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Dissociation, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Losing Time, Trauma Recovery, and julie didn't keep carrie's, and still helping nick out, carrie having feelings, carrie kept julie's number, eventual ot2004, julie also having feelings, possession recovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:54:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,284</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27414865</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shesthesmoke/pseuds/shesthesmoke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>in which carrie is evolving, julie is holding on, and nick is drifting (or, all of them are trying)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Julie Molina &amp; Carrie Wilson, Julie Molina &amp; Nick, Nick &amp; Carrie Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>there are no secrets i can't keep [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002966</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>act like you've been here before (smile less and dress up some more)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>tw: this fic deals with nick dissociating (although not from his pov)</p>
<p>title from slow it down by the lumineers</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Carrie puts her fork down and watches. She’s been doing this a lot, recently. Nick’s last class before lunch is in the hallway opposite her table. And so… maybe she’s been noticing him walking to lunch. And maybe she’s been trying to be kind to herself about the fact that she still feels a pang in her chest that he’s not walking to her. He made his choice, and she can respect that while still feeling how she feels. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t really respect it for a couple of weeks, and thinking about what she said then makes her cringe. But that was the past. She’s nice now. And Nick and Julie are probably good together (not that she knows for sure, she hasn’t seen either of them more than in passing since the Orpheum). </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>(She didn’t know it was possible to miss Julie more than she already did.)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So Carrie watches, suddenly overcome by the feeling that something isn’t right. Nick has stopped walking, and he’s just standing there, looking like a ghost. Suddenly, she’s out of her seat and walking to him. Just as quickly, she knows Kayla’s behind her. “I’m fine, Kay,” she sighs, “go back to the table.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t need him, Carrie.” And Carrie almost laughs. Doesn’t she? Kayla doesn’t know, because Kayla’s Carrie is the fearless leader of Dirty Candi, the one who always knows what to do and what to wear. She doesn’t call in the middle of the night to talk about nothing whenever she can’t sleep, and she doesn’t ask to be held whenever she’s in tears because she’s convinced herself it’s all a bust. That was always Nick’s Carrie.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t need him,” Carrie echoes, still looking at Nick. “But I think he needs m— needs someone right now. I’ll be right back.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Are people looking at her? She feels like they are. But she’d rather let them think what they think than leave a friend floating. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She finally gets to him and she can’t shake the feeling that he’s looking </span>
  <em>
    <span>through </span>
  </em>
  <span>her. “Nick?” She has to say it twice before he gives any indication that he’s heard her. “Hey,” she makes her voice as gentle as she can, “are you alright?” It’s like he’s a million miles away. “Let’s go somewhere quiet,” she says as she pushes her panic down and guides him to an empty classroom. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Both of them sit down at neighboring desks and Nick starts running a hand through his hair. Carrie tries talking to him again. He gives a handful of one word answers. Suddenly, she has a realization: maybe he doesn’t want her here. Maybe she should go. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t want him to be alone, so she pulls out her phone. She’s shocked she still has the number saved.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>~</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Getting a text from an unsaved number telling her to come to a specific classroom with no other details to find a guy she’s been talking to alone in there with his ex girlfriend would normally hurt Julie’s feelings, but this time it seems more complicated than that. For starters, Nick doesn’t seem fully… there, and Carrie runs up to her as soon as she sees her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s… what’s up?” Julie asks cautiously. She thinks back to Flynn’s offer to come with her, maybe it’s better she didn’t take her up on it. This is weird enough, and more people would only make it weirder. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I… don’t know, exactly,” Carrie whispers, looking almost… apologetic? Or maybe she’s scared. Anything that scares Carrie Wilson is serious.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Shit, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Julie suddenly realizes, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Caleb. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She’d assumed Caleb had left Nick of his own volition, and then Nick had seemed fine, albeit shaken, afterwards. But maybe it was stupid to assume they were out of the woods. If it’s that, she can’t really do anything about it with Carrie still here. Julie really hopes it isn’t that. Nick’s a sweetheart, and he’s been through enough.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“He just looked… not okay,” Carrie continues. “I thought it would help if I got him somewhere quiet, and then I realized…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>that I’m Carrie Wilson and I can’t have anyone thinking I care about anyone other than me, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Julie’s brain fills in unhelpfully. She knows that’s probably not what Carrie was going to say, but Carrie isn’t really providing an alternative. In fact, she’s closing her eyes and taking a deep breath and it’s like suddenly the cool girl act is back on. “Anyway, I texted you because I know his lacrosse friends and they’re worse than useless. I…” she glances at Nick again, worry making a quick appearance before she pushes it back down, “I have to go.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Julie whispers a “bye,” and walks over to Nick slowly. “Hey, Nickster.” He smiles a little at the nickname, which is good. He’d had no sense of humor for a month. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He blinks a couple times, as if he’s just waking up. “Sorry,” he sighs. “Are we late for first period?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shit. “Nick, it’s lunchtime.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It takes a little while to sink in. “I don’t… I thought…” He puts his head in his hands</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Julie squats down so he can still see her. “Hey, it’s alright.” She has no idea if that’s true. “We’re gonna figure this out.” She can tell how hard he’s trying to slow his breathing, to not freak out. She wishes she could just fix it for him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s weird being on the other side of it, she realizes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought it was over, when he left,” he says flatly. “It was supposed to go back to normal, but I haven’t… nothing’s been normal. Everything in my closet feels like a Halloween costume. I feel like I’m playing a part, pretending to be someone who doesn’t exist anymore. And I thought I could just deal with that, but… I don’t remember this morning. At all.” He takes another deep breath. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I’ve been all day. I had a quiz second period! If I messed it up I’m screwed, Julie! And I—” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Julie cuts him off. “Stop it. You’re alive and you’re awake, just focus on that. It’s gonna be okay.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nick laughs bitterly. “I’ve already lost my music and a month of my life. What else am I gonna have to lose before it’s all miraculously okay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a pang in Julie’s chest. “Your music?” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nick stands up, running a hand through his hair again. He’s shaking now, or maybe he has been for awhile. “Maybe he took it with him, I don’t know. I just… haven’t been able to pick up my guitar. Doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore. It doesn’t… it doesn’t even feel like I’m me.” His voice cracks and Julie’s heart breaks because she </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows, </span>
  </em>
  <span>but she doesn’t know how to help.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then suddenly, she does. She takes his hand in hers. “Listen, Nick? Look at me.” She waits until he does. “You’re gonna come out the other side of this. And maybe you won’t be the same person you were before. And it’ll probably suck for awhile, but you’re not alone, okay? You just have to keep going.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He looks less comforted by that than she’d hope. “Thanks, I’m just… I’m so tired, Julie.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Julie nods. “I know, I remember.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Realization dawns on Nick’s face. “Right, with your mom.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Julie takes a deep breath to try and alleviate the pressure in her chest and remind herself that that feeling doesn’t mean she’s not doing better. It sort of works. “Yeah,” she sighs. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I, uh… can I have a hug?” Nick asks slowly. Julie nods and wraps her arms around him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After awhile, it seems less clear who’s holding who. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>planning on making this into a series, lmk what you think!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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